On People With No Reflection
By: Nadirah Agail
YRAC Editor/Journalist
Picture this: You’re walking down the street, trying desperately to get to your destination on time, and a homeless man asks “Could you spare some change so I could get something to eat?” You know you have a few singles and some change in your wallet, but you need that for the meter and to buy snacks. You don’t want to tell the man “No.” (That would just feel rude.) So, instead, you quicken your pace and try not to make eye contact. It’s less awkward that way.
There are other times when you can and do spare change, but let’s focus on today’s interaction (or lack there of). You didn’t ignore the man to be mean. You’re not a mean person. You did it because you felt bad about not honoring his request; so, rather than look him in the face and admit that you’re not going to help, you avoided the situation entirely. This is your logic. It’s been mine, too. Not anymore.
I’ve taken no official polls, but from simple observation, it seems fair to say that most people ignore the homeless. Regardless of our reasons for doing this, it has the same detrimental result. Every interpersonal interaction we share- be it pleasant or hostile, significant or brief- works to fulfill the basic human needs of confirmation and validation. It confirms that we are in fact human and validates that we are worthy of recognition. Our friends, family members and associates are more than just support and social networks. They are the shiny surfaces that constantly reflect our images, letting us know that we’re still human, still accepted, still here.
Most of us never think this deeply about our interactions, because they’re plentiful and adequate. Imagine if they weren’t. Imagine if you woke up one day and could find no one to respond to you. At first you’d think it was joke, some type of prank they were all in on. No big deal. If it continued, though, you’d really start to doubt your sanity. “Don’t they see me? Can’t they hear me? I’m right here!” With no one providing a reflection, it wouldn’t take long for us to begin to doubt our own existence.
And we wonder why so many homeless people have mental health issues. Not that there aren’t other significant factors to consider, but our consistent disregard of their humanity– of their severe need for recognition–surely contributes to the formation of mental instability. Regardless of if we realize it or not, every time we ignore them and silently walk by, the big, bellowing message we deliver is “You don’t exist!,” as if we are the ones worthy of removing the right to life.
Maybe I’m being dramatic. Maybe I’m making you feel bad. That is not my intention, but we have to look at what we’re doing. Newborn babies can’t even survive without human stimulation and touch. Young children become mentally stunted and have problems acquiring language skills if they aren’t talked to regularly. Older children develop self esteem issues and improper etiquette if they don’t receive the right type of communication. The importance of talking to people is undeniable. We are social beings by nature, programmed to seek out and provide help. Are the homeless any less human? Is their nature any different? I’d have to say no. So, even if you can’t give money, give something better: a reflection.
Copyright© 2009
On the Goals We Set
On the Goals We Set
By: Nadirah Angail
YouRACreator Journalist/Editor
A.) Lose weight/Get healthier
B.) Improve your financial situation
C.) Find a mate/Get married
Without even knowing you, I can bet that you want to do one, or perhaps all, of these things. They seem to be the most popular goals that people set around those magical times when inspiration is strong (Ramadan, New Years, birthdays, etc.). You dust off the workout gear, set a budget and balance the checkbook, and start attending events with your eyes peeled for that special someone. You’re determined to meet your goal. Well, for the first few weeks, anyway. Then, once the newness wears off, the determination wanes, and a slow sense of apathy sets in, you find yourself in the same old rut that you were in to start with. The cycle continues. Goal unmet.
We all want things in our lives, but we rarely want them bad enough to actually go get them. We talk casually about how wonderful it would be to have this or that, but quickly write it off as a mere dream that only a lucky few are able to realize. Think of how many times you’ve jokingly said “I’d love to have/do ______,” treating it like some untouchable star at which you can only stare. Many of these dreams, though, are not untouchable at all, just hard to attain. But if we really wanted them, in the same way that we want peace, love and, life, we would chase them down and make them our own. It is this lack of true desire that keeps us in these unproductive cycles.
Goals are easy to set, easy to get excited about, and hard to achieve. While on our often short-lived journeys toward these goals, we seem to forget about the various Quranic verses about “patient perseverance.” We’ve made a habit of recalling them only in the worst of times, when things are in a horrible state and we fear we can take no more. Surely, they provide help then, but they’re just as helpful with our everyday trials . It has been reported that Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said “Verily, Allah has prescribed excellence in all things,” (Muslim). Let us take this literally and realize that it truly does mean “all things,” all aspects of our lives. Rather than being frightened by the word “excellence,” know that it means “total effort,” not “perfection.” So, don’t be discouraged. There can be excellence even in your failure.
It takes seconds to set a goal, but making it happen takes time and serious thought. The key is follow through. Once the goal has been set, follow through with a reasonable plan to meet it. Introduce meaningful change into your life. Eliminate certain things, and reinforce others. Develop a holistic approach that allows you to incorporate your goals into everything you do, letting them merge with the other ideas and beliefs that define your life.
Too many times, we subconsciously convince ourselves that our goals are too great, our dreams too big. We say that we’re striving towards them, when really we lack the confidence to even try that hard. That is why we give up so easily. That is why we rarely follow through. That is why we get stuck in stop-and-go cycles. We lose patience, we don’t persevere and we put obstacles in our own way. There are many challenges we must face in life, but others we create for ourselves. By saying that we want to achieve a goal, and then living a lifestyle that opposes that achievement, we’re sabotaging our success and funding our failure. That’s no way to live. Stars aren’t just for staring. Go get them.
Nadirah Angail
Copyright© 2009
Self Repair Still The Primary Solution For Black America
Self Repair Still The Primary Solution For Black America
By: Imam Dawud Walid
YouRACreator Contributor
The US Supreme Court recently ruled that White firemen were unreasonably denied promotions in New Haven, CT when certain tests were set aside due to Blacks’ low scores.
Though this ruling was a victory for those who view affirmative action as “reverse discrimination” or “reverse racism,” many of them are perhaps unaware of the reality of historical White privilege in America. Or perhaps they are aware and desire to maintain their privilege.
The question that must be asked among Black Americans is “Has the collective condition of Black America improved since affirmative action has been instituted?”. If not, then why?
Though there are more Black professionals than there were 50 years ago, it appears that the condition of Black America has worsened.
My father told me that he was trained to work twice as hard as White people if he wanted to get ahead. This mentality bred supermen and superwomen in the Black community. This mindset linked one’s striving for excellence in both a personal and community sense with not waiting for any special breaks as the primary path towards success. This is an Islamic teaching:
G-d does not change a condition of a people until they bring about change their inner-selves/psyches, [Al-Qur’an 13.11].
Is there a reward for excellence except excellence? [Al-Qur’an 55.60].
“Surely G-d loves that when a servant [of His] endeavors anything, he seeks to perfect it,” said the Prophet Muhammad.
The Qur’an says that both forms of oppression (outward and inward) should be challenged. Despite our having a Black president in this mythical age of “post-racialism,” there is no doubt that the residual effects of slavery and White supremacy still manifest themselves in the American socio-political order. However, what troubles Black America most today is internal oppression, not external. As long as Black activists and preachers focus more attention on preserving the status quo, such as affirmative action or requesting reparations, than addressing what Dr. Na’im Akbar has labeled our “collective insanity,” no amount of legislation in the world can help Black America. This is where Muslims need to exemplify leadership in Black America.
The mystics have a saying, “Whoever knows himself, has most certainly known his Lord,” meaning if a person examines himself sincerely, he/she should come to the following conclusions:
1. I am not infallible.
2. My best independent thinking in many instances has not led me to successful results.
3. I am beneath He who created me.
4. I must depend on His guidance for success in this world and in the next life.
Thus, Muslims, who understand this concept, need to be at the forefront in challenging the collective social norms within Black America through raising awareness and presenting an alternative modality to what is generally viewed as normative.
This alternative modality, despite some of its theological flaws, was presented during the lifetime of the Honorable Elijah Muhammad while he led the Nation of Islam (NOI). The NOI exhibited a viable alternative to Black morality and ethics, which addressed many of the issues that plague a large percentage of Blacks.
Al-Islam has the answer to fixing these issues. It serves as a shield against the pervasive nature of out of wedlock child birth (currently 7 out of 10 Black children), commercialism, gross materialism and the anti-social aspects within pop culture, which helps fuel this pathology. Al-Islam has socio-political measures to bring Black America out of economic and political immaturity. It has the power to raise her up to par and above what is deemed productive.
It is Muslims who have to step forward and lead by example to serve as an alternative mind to what is intrinsically unacceptable in man’s nature (Al-Fitrah).
Without intense internal repair within the Black psyche, affirmative action cannot further raise the educational and economic opportunities for Blacks in a meaningful way. Though some will thrive, the incarceration rates will increase, drug abuse will increase, and depravity will increase for the masses.
Asking Questions, Finding Purpose
Asking Questions, Finding Purpose
By: Finesse
YouRACreator member
I’ve had a lot going on lately…a lot, to the point where I’ve begun to question myself on a lot of things. I do it often, but hadn’t done it in a while. Mainly, well, exclusively I question myself. I have a lot of issues stemming from my childhood/teen experiences. To say the least, they have affected me. Many women deal with abuse as a child or teenager, and we are ALL affected, each differently. A major affect it has had on me is that it has made me my own worst enemy. I have not been able to forget or let it go.Everyday for weeks, I’ve wondered, “Why me?. Why must I be so broken? Why is it that when I think I’m happy or when I should be happy, I find some way or reason not to be?” When things seem to be going fine, I find something wrong or do something to make things wrong. It sometimes gets to the point where I get so mad at myself and feel so sad that I become numb. I was going through that today, still going through it now. But you know what? I’ve learned, and I’m telling all of you, do not let anyone or anything in this world get to you in a way that it will be your downfall.
I put myself down, I blamed myself for things, and I allowed myself to believe that I do not build, only destroy. I realized, while I was doing all this, thinking so negatively, allowing myself to feel such pain, that I was distracted from Allah (swt), my Deen, and all that is good for me. I can’t do that. I need Allah (swt) to the fullest and Allah (swt) alone. He is the answer to all my questions, ALL of them. As long as I work to restore my faith in Him, I need not worry or think about anything else, because He will make a way and guide me back to the straight path.
I’ve asked “Why me? Why am I so broken? When will I be happy with myself, when can I be normal?” We all ask questions when we do not know, when we need clarity, guidance, knowledge. We are ignorant about some things, so we ask for answers. I found my answer. It was simple. It was just Allah (swt).
What is Love? Part 2: Respect
What is Love? Part 2: Respect
By: Rasheed Ali
In any marriage, the woman should feel like the queen and the man should feel like the king. Mutual respect is a huge part of creating that feeling. Respect in a marital relationship is more than just avoiding offense statements and behaviors. It is continually being aware of and recognizing their various needs.
THE NEEDS OF MEN
Confide Only in Your Husband
A man has a need to be the sole confidant of the household. He needs to feel like the king of the house. One way to do this is to confide in him. He should be the one to know your secrets and insecurities, not your girlfriend, or your mother, or your friend at Pilates class. This may seem counter intuitive to women, because men are generally less verbal and not as good at sharing feelings, but that doesn’t change the fact that we need to feel like we know you better than anyone else. Go to your girlfriends for the more trivial matters (what happened on your favorite show last night, the new hijab you bought in chestnut brown, etc.) but let your husband know that you’re interested in going back to school, or that you’re scared that you may not be as good of a parent as you would like to be. Tell him when you feel like the intimacy in your relationship is waning. These things may be tough for a man to discuss, but it is much easier when we’ve heard it from you rather than through the grapevine. (Imagine the look on your husband’s face if he had to hear from your mother that things weren’t going right in his own home). It would be extremely embarrassing and he’d feel disrespected.
Keeping your secrets between you and your husband will benefit you as well, because you don’t have to worry about getting any input that will not support your household. Your friends most likely mean well, but they don’t live in your house. Don’t let them make your decisions. Following the advice of outsiders who may not have a clear understanding or who may not take your husband into consideration will surely lead to trouble. Go to your husband first. You already know that he wants to protect and support the household, regardless of his actions. So, allow him to give you input to your heart. This will also encourage him to express his emotions with you. This is his version of Sensual Fidelity, which is discussed later.
Would you wear makeup and your finest clothes to meet your husband’s mother? I’m sure of it. You would also do the same if you were meeting the president or czar of a country, perhaps even for a job interview. You would wear your favorite earrings, powder your face, pick the best hijab, be on your best manners, be extremely pleasant and cheerful. I’m also sure that you would not do this for the attendant at the drive through at McDonalds. Now, the father of your children, the immediate path to Jennah, the man whom you love, cherish and admire, do you present yourself to your husband like the McDonalds attendant or like the President of the Free World? Many women feel that since they see him all the time, that they don’t need to look their best everyday. Plus, it takes a lot of work to look your best everyday. It’s easier to just save if for those special occasions, but is your husband not special? In order to be treated like a princess you must act like a princess. This is very important to your husband, because visual stimulation is very important to men, in the same way that emotional stimulation is important to you. Make yourself beautiful inside by manners and outside by clothing.
THE NEEDS OF WOMEN
Emotional Fidelity
Emotional fidelity is the hardest part of respect for men to understand, for the sheer fact that we as men do not fully understand our emotions. When we are upset, happy, or in between, which tends to usually be the extent of our emotional range, we should first, second, and third talk to our wives about expressing or consoling these feelings. This is even tougher on men that are emotionally conscious, meaning they can identify more than two emotions, because they’ve probably already gotten in the habit of sharing their feelings with many women. This must stop. Women find security, respect, and admiration in being the sole resource for their husbands’ emotional expression. The reason I say men must go to their wives first, second and third is because men and women don’t always connect when it comes to sharing feelings. Because of the difference in their natures-men are more concise and direct; women are more expressive and detailed-a man may think he’s being perfectly clear, while the woman may still feel confused and under informed. It may take many tries for you to express yourself in a way that she can understand and relate to. Don’t be discouraged. Be persistent in sharing your feelings. You will be better for it, and there is mercy in it. Know that your relationship will flourish because of it.
Sensual Fidelity
Simply put, to be sensually faithful is to guard yourself from all forms of sensual stimulation that don’t come from your wife. Of course this would include sex, but it also includes such acts as going to strip clubs, reading “men’s” magazines, watching sexually suggestive television shows, and being around other women excessively. Sometimes just talking or exchanging compliments can veer off onto the side of trouble. This is not to say that you shouldn’t appreciate or converse with mahram women, but do make sure that your confidence and feelings of appreciation do not specifically come from women other than your wife. This can be hard for men to do at times because of the many distractions that appeal to our desire to be appreciated and feel significant.. Allah made us this way, so we shouldn’t be ashamed; but we should guard our senses against those things that aren’t lawful for us. Guard your sensual energy for your wives, and always be receptive to theirs. This is best for you and eliminate a lot of trouble in your marriage.
Involve your Wife in Decisions
Some men assume that being the leader of the house means ruling with an “iron fist” and treating their wives more like children than their respected partners. This is not the Islamic way. We are made as coverings for one another. We must work together to find solutions to Allah’s (swt) challenges. You cannot do this without consulting with your wife first before making big decisions. Even with smaller ones, play the team effort; learn what it takes to make a team: input, education, compromise, sharing, and communication. In order to share decisions simply say, “What do you think?”. It’s not a hard concept. Embrace the opportunity to learn and hear what she has to say. Finally, when making a decision, use the opinion of the person who is more passionate or more experienced. If that does not work, use the opinion of who has most to lose. This is the simplest way to agree. Even if your opinions are too divergent to come to any type of agreement in the moment, always show respect by acknowledging her point and giving her the time to fully express herself. Women don’t always have to get their way, but they do always have to feel acknowledged. Also, for men, it is better to give in to her opinion than to sit in disagreement. Use this as an opportunity to serve Allah(swt) through your family. If you do not make decisions together, you will fail together. A failure to prepare is preparation to fail. Make decisions together.
Let Her make her own Decisions
Big decisions that affect the marriage or family should be made by the two of you, but there are other decisions that she should be able to make on her own. You must let her do this. When you desired to marry your wife, you loved the fact that she was strong and made good choices. You believed that she deserved the joy of independence and you wanted to have that in your life as a companion. No? If this is not you, then PLEASE pay extra attention, because you must realize that the decisions of life are not for you to make but for you both to agree upon. She must feel that she can make important decisions without your approval. This is vital to her need for significance and respect. You would not desire to be dictated to and nor would she. You are the last say when she is in doubt. You make sure decisions are halal, but she also has the right to decide her life choices, especially in matters concerning her joy and pursuit of happiness. Let her be free to fulfill her happiness and struggles for the sake of Allah(swt). Do not limit her for any reason. If you err on when to decide or when to step back, then be in the mind that your intention is not to oppress, but to give freedom for the will of Allah (Swt). Oppression is one of the greatest sins.
Do Not Barter for your Wishes
Many people barter their feelings with their spouse. I’ll clean the garage if we go to the Monster Derby. I’ll cook dinner if we watch 27 Dresses. I’ll give you a massage if you let me hang out with my friends. This is division in the realest sense. Once you stop volunteering, then you are no longer serving each other. This will lead to neither of you feeling fulfilled. Allah (swt) put in us the need to serve each other, and if you do not serve each other, then you will not fulfill the needs or your spouse. The first step is to say, “I will cook dinner, and I would like to watch Xmen, if you don’t mind.” Then move a little further and say,” I will cook dinner, but I would like to know you appreciate it.” Then finally, “I will cook dinner,” just to serve the family without any compensation, but at this stage you should already feel appreciated for the things you do. That is another section, but the key is not to barter to get your appreciation. Bartering is detrimental to your relationship and Iman.
NEEDS OF MEN AND WOMEN
Censor Your Tongue
It’s always best not to say anything if it isn’t positive or productive. Never use your spouses name in vain. Be kind and caring, and keep your thoughts of your spouse holy. Because we are all imperfect, it is normal to have unpleasant thoughts about your spouse sometimes, but quickly wipe them from your mind and pray that you recognize the beautiful traits that you did not before. Much of the struggle is forcing you heart, nerve, and body to serve your turn long after they are gone. Your spouse is the biggest source and receiver of sadaqa that you will ever have next to Allah (swt). Be aware of that, and don’t tarnish their name or say ill things to/about them. You wouldn’t say negative things, yell, or insult Allah (swt) or any of the Prophets (Saw) so put your spouse near this respect. Do not speak illy to or of your spouse. Make them feel exceptional like a king or queen that you would never bring bad language or inappropriate feelings to. Couples who consistently refrain from expressing their negative thoughts are consistently the happiest, and tend to have less negative thoughts. Every time you feel the desire to express or think a negative thought about your spouse, realize that you are wrong. Correct the thought with understanding love or just endure the frustration. You will receive blessings for this. Then speak positively about something you appreciate concerning them.
Converse Over Argue
“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. He who answers before listening — that is his folly and his shame,” (romanceinmarriage.org). The previous quote beautifully illustrates the importance of controlling you temper. Communication, communication, communication: This is the only way to live. A wonderful and wise woman told me a very important lesson that I still think of to this very day, a lesson so true that just by looking at your spouses face you will be reminded how precious thier feelings and thoughts are. She said, “You have two ears and one mouth, so we listen more than we talk.” She was 5 years old. It’s true! Listen without interrupting. Listen actively and attentively, even if you heard it a thousand times and you disagree with the statement completely. Listen, there are barakahs in just listening. At the end, you may tell them they were long winded, or you can just choose to agree.
Below is a helpful excerpt from the website romanceinmarriage.org
• Ask your mate’s opinion, listening attentively and respectfully without interrupting. Everyone wants to be heard out.
• As you listen, try to understand how your mate is feeling and reasoning. It is probable that you are both part right, part wrong, and there is something you can learn by listening. Try to see your ideas, and those of your mate that differ in a larger context. Step back and try to look at the differing ideas as objectively as you can. There may be a third position (that neither of you have expressed nor thought of) that can satisfy both of you. Also, ask yourself if there is some emotional need your mate has that is not being met, and is therefore contributing to the problem.
• Try to accurately, fairly, and kindly repeat some points of your mate’s side to show that you understand, or at least want to understand, what is being said. Everyone wants to be understood.
• Verbally empathize with your mate’s feelings and ideas. Be honest and kind. Such phrases as “I know this is very important to you” can help. Everyone wants to be taken seriously, and to have their ideas and feelings valued. Your aim is to create good will between the two of you, so that you can eventually come together, rather than pushing apart. Be quick to apologize and take responsibility for your mistakes, large and small, intentional or not.
• Ask your mate if you can share your own feelings on the subject, and then do it calmly and kindly. Don’t attack your mate’s ideas, try to make them seem foolish, or even necessarily say that they are wrong or that you disagree with them. Your aim is to try to explain your views without causing your mate to become defensive. A person who feels defensive will not be open to reason.
• Don’t exaggerate, speak harshly, or use inflammatory words or phrases. Try to be fair, respectful, and humble. Your mate will then find it easier to give your ideas fair consideration.
• Be patient. Give it time. Over the next few hours, days, or months, your mate may think back on the discussion that the two of you have had. If your ideas have been reasonable and kindly presented, your mate may even come closer to your way of thinking. Sometimes it takes time and calm reflection to understand and accept new ideas.
• Overcome any pride or insecurities in yourself that may be making you afraid to come to an agreement with your mate. Feelings of independence and superiority may be hard to overcome. True romance, however, requires unity of mind as well as of heart, and will provide rich rewards to those who are able to overcome whatever hinders that unity.
• If either of you becomes angry or upset, postpone the discussion until you have both calmed down.
QUESTIONS TO STIMULATE CONVERSATION
Some questions you can ask your husband to improve upon are:
- Are you emotionally faithful to me?
- Are you sensually faithful to me?
- Are you involving me in important decisions?
- Do you let me make my own decisions?
- Do you barter with my emotions?
- Do you censor your tongue?
- Do we converse instead of argue?
Some questions you can ask your wife to improve upon are:
- Do you confide in only me?
- Do you make me feel exceptional in the way you carry yourself and your manners?
- Do you censor your tongue?
- Do we converse instead of argue?
What is Love?
By:Rasheed Ali
A close personal friend of mine recently became engaged to the man she has loved for many years, though she tried to deny it. Alhumduillah, they have been blessed with a true and righteous love, grounded by faith. They are a wonderful couple, destined to have beautiful marriage, but this article is not about them. Though they completely deserve to have their love crystallized in writing, I have chosen to focus on something else. This article is not about the fun and excitement of new love. It is about the serious task of maintaining that love.
Love is an interesting piece, alhumduillah. Without it we could not exist, for it is Allah’s(swt) love that sustains us. Mashallah, we are truly blessed. Love is not only a mercy of Allah, but it is also a mercy we must show each other. Mothers love their children, and children love their mothers. Fathers love their families, and feel that love returned. Boys love girls, and girls are in love with boys. This is the way of the world, the way we were designed. Such a great thing this love is. Mashallah, what we would do without it?
Creating love is easy, but preserving it takes work. Men and women both need certain things: respect, appreciation, spirituality, a home, to feel cherished, and affection. In addition to these basics, they have additional needs that vary between genders and personality types. Learning the many needs of your spouse may be trying, but being sure to address all the basics is the best way to start.
Respect
Contrary to popular belief, this is not something that must be earned. It must be given. We are obligated to respect the creation of the Almighty, that which Allah respects enough to sustain. Why disrespect that which Allah respects? Is it ever ok for us to do something that not even the Creator would? I hope there isn’t anyone that would answer “yes” to that question.
Appreciation
Appreciation is gratitude. Just like you must be grateful to your Lord, you must also be grateful to His creation. That is a way that He has blessed you. Appreciate your loved ones with your actions and your speech. It’s not enough to think “I really enjoyed that.” Let the person know. Make it clear that you don’t take them for granted. Chances are, you didn’t get your spouse by looking unattractive, so don’t neglect your appearance after you’re married. Keep yourself attractive to show that you appreciate your other half.
Spirituality
You must learn the religion together. Within it are guidelines for how to treat each other and how to handle conflicts. You must also pray together. It builds a three-way connection between you, your spouse and Allah that cannot be rivaled. Unless you two can join together in what is right and forbid what is wrong, you will surely be at a loss. Your children, too, will suffer, because they will lack spiritually-successful role models. If you want your love to last and grow, seek the higher road, His road. This is the best way.
A home
Pretty much any building can be considered a house, but love needs a home to prosper. Work to create an environment that is peaceful. It should reflect the way you feel about each other. If your love is pure and clean, your home should be the same way. You should work together to wash the dishes, do the laundry, and vacuum. Make sure it smells nice. These are wonderful ways to bond and beautify. Your home is also your masjid. Treat it as such. Fill it with Islamic influences and knowledge. If you are the husband, remember that you are the imam of this masjid. Take this job seriously. If you are the wife, remember that you are the main support and emotional barometer of this masjid. Take this job seriously. Always remember, those who pray, clean, and workout together make it much, much farther.
To Feel Cherished
Cherish Each other. This is more complicated than most realize. Make each other your first priority. That means being willing to get up out of bed to make a sandwich, or leaving work early to pick up flowers. This takes appreciation a step farther by going above and beyond what is expected. Assume the best of each other. Help each other with your projects and endeavors. Be kind and show your spouse his/her significance in your life.
Affection
Have you ever noticed how much small children love giving hugs, kisses and smiles? You should be the same way with your spouse. Show your love through touch and sweet words. Even when upset, remember the importance of affection. State the problem clearly and use pleasant tones. Don’t yell. This can be hard if you are very upset, but it is better for you and your marriage. Work together lovingly to fix your problems. Unite and view them as challenges that Allah will bless you to conquer.
Most people can’t wait to get into a physically intimate relationship. Now that you’re in one that is blessed by Allah, take advantage of it. Massage your spouse. Kiss him or her regularly. Smile often. Men, allow her to talk about her feelings, no matter how odd or irrelevant they seem to you. Women, give him time to “just be.” Don’t expect him to be as verbally expressive as you are. Allow your spouse to show affection in the way that is most comfortable for him or her, but also let them know what you’re most comfortable with.
Copyright© 2009
What’s in a name?
By: Tiffany Pitts
Acceptable Muslim name?
Recently, I was involved in a conversation online about names. A woman said she would only name her children “Muslim names.” Another woman’s name was non-Arabic, and people asked her why her parents gave her a “non-Muslim” name.
This conversation got me thinking: What exactly is a “Muslim name?” What constitutes a “non-Muslim” name? Is it Arabic? Is it from the Quran?
My name is Tiffany. I am a Black woman, and I am a Muslimah. People assume that I surely must have a “Muslim name,” but in reality, what is this? Am I, with a name like Tiffany, any less of a Muslim? Is Muhammad more Muslim than me because of his name?
Many Muslims feel that they should have a name that is Islamically appropriate, so they give their children Arabic names. Reverts especially, after taking their shahadah (officially accepting Islam), tend to want to remove the ties from their pasts. So they take on a “Muslim name.” This name is almost always Arabic.
Don’t get me wrong, I see no problem with people wishing to start fresh when they accept Islam. It’s a beautiful thing. My issue is with those people who tell them that they NEED to change their names.
The only names that are forbidden in Islam are names with bad meanings. Examples of these names would be Iblis, Lucifer, Damien, Satan, Shaytan- you get the picture. These are names of the devil, which any Muslim should want to stay away from. But really, how many of us have names like this?
Recently, my friend Sarah took her shahadah. She was excited about it, as she should have been. She excitedly told me that her friend gave her a “Muslim name.” This confused me. “Sarah” is a Hebrew name, but it is also a name with an Islamic history. Sarah was Prophet Ibrahim’s first wife, and the mother of Prophet Ishaq. Surely a name with such history is Islamically appropriate. It is completely acceptable, but her friend told her that she needed a new one.
I heard a similar story from my cousin who was incarcerated. Like the stereotype, he took his shahadah in prison. While he was there, he was told by his cellmate that he needed a name that suited him. So first he chose Abdus-Sabur (Slave of the Patient). Ironically, his impatience led to some other issues, so he later adopted the name Ramadan.
When I worked at the records center for the Superior Court, I came across many name change files. Many inmates change their names legally because “As a Muslim, I have to have a name that suits me.” I wonder sometimes, when the chaplains tell them about Islam, do they tell them this? Do they tell them that it says this in the Quran? I’m no scholar, but I didn’t find it when I looked.
When people first become Muslim, they are not expected to know everything. It is up to those who have been Muslim longer to teach them. I feel that by telling new Muslims that they need new names, it takes away from the beautiful and appropriate names they often times already possess.
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