How to Get Over A Relationship
How To Get Over A Relationship
By: Leah Vernon
YouRACreator Member
It is extremely difficult to bounce back from a marriage or relationship, because you have so many ties to that individual. But do not fret, it can be done. How do I know? Because I happened to be going through it at this moment. You have hit rock bottom, you have nowhere to turn and you have to be able to reinvent yourself and push your way through this hard time. God is testing you. This person once asked, “What is God going to have to take from you for you to realize that you were not being appreciative?” I agreed with that comment, because it’s true. Most of us are not grateful for what we have and then God takes it away. We then realize that we appreciate what has left us, but sometimes we do not get a second chance to regain what we lose.
In the midst of the chaos and confusion of your relationship, you hit a dead end. Then, you end up by yourself. You have to re-awaken yourself from that deep and depressing sleep. During this process of recognition, you should be consulting with family and close friends for support and ideas on how to get through this. They should have solutions to the issues you are having from past life experiences they have dealt with.
So, you are mentally, physically and sexually attached to this human being, this person who you can’t even see yourself breathing without? Even if the relationship was rocky, abusive, hectic, and had unwanted family members involved, it still meant something to you. You still can’t see yourself being and doing anything differently than the arguing and yelling. Why? Because you’re comfortable where you are and afraid of change. It is kind of like the woman who gets beat by her husband. Everyone asks why won’t she leave him. It’s not that easy. Usually when you ask the woman who gets beat why she stays with a woman-beater, she says “I love him, and I don’t know why I stay”. That’s all she knows; abuse, degradation and humiliation.
It’s the same with the man who beats the woman. He beats her everyday due to disobedience and control. A logical person would ask him why he doesn’t just leave her and find a wife that is willing to be controlled and bossed around. He is comfortable with the situation and it becomes the norm. So, it turns into a regimen. Embrace change and admit responsibility and your post-relationship blues will fly out of the window.
If you have tried therapy, religious counseling, positive family reinforcement and prayer prior to the relationship’s end, then it’s time for the next steps: rediscovering and healing.
- Keep Your Faith, Regularly
The God you believe in is the God you should be praying to, sincerely and openly. Even in hard times of unemployment, death, separation and divorce, you must be willing to submit to him. If you didn’t know this: everything is in God’s hands. We always underestimate the power of God, faith and hope. He says “be,” and it is. When you feel down, let him lift you up
- Keep Your Distance
Keeping your distance from certain people during your time of healing and anxiety is key. You don’t need anybody reminding you of the situations of the past, bringing you down or setting you back. It would also be a good idea to stay away from the estranged spouse’s family. Again, you need space. Space is the best form of therapy. It gives you time to be focused and get to the top without many interruptions. You don’t need biased or judgmental opinions at this fragile point. Wait until you are able and strong enough to get back to your regular routine.
- Keep Your Foundation Strong
You need your family and close friends around you to help you through this rough time. They will be there for you when you feel the need to obsessively text your ex or stalk him or her during the night. You need to be able to call someone or go visit someone to let you know that it’s not right to stalk or contact someone who does not want to be with you. Moral support is awesome and you need as much as you can get.
- Keep Yourself Busy and Positive
Work, hobbies, exercise, movies, shopping, sports, concerts, fishing or anything you can enjoy. Something you can relax doing and focus your mind on. You do not need to focus on negative things, past events or people in your life that are not boosting your confidence.
On The World’s Most Painful Events
On The World’s Most Painful Events
By: Nadirah Angail
YouRACreator Editor/Journalist
It’s just a small pain now, a gentle yet persistent sting that reminds me of what I endured. Within a few more weeks, I’m sure it will subside, but the memory will remain. There’s no forgetting that type of pain. After years of hearing other people’s descriptions of labor (“It feels like you’re being struck by lightning.” “It feels like you’re being ripped apart.”) I can finally give my own testimony. I’ve never been struck by lightning or torn apart, but I imagine those two things would be more painful than giving birth. However, I bet child birth would be a close third on the “World’s Most Painful Events” list.
If it were the will of Allah (God), giving birth could be simple and effortless, like a sneeze; one good involuntary ACHOO and your done. It could be something you do during a five minute bathroom break, or—better yet— something you do in your sleep, but it’s not. Giving birth takes a type of strength and endurance that you can’t even imagine unless you’ve actually experienced it. And Allah is all knowing; he makes no mistakes.
So, there must be something more to this pain. Is it a punishment for women or a testament to their strength? As the popular saying goes, there is little worth having that is easily attained. I believe that. And Quran supports it: “We have enjoined on man kindness to his parents; in pain did his mother bear him, and in pain did she give him birth,” (46:15). We aren’t pained because we “deserve” it. We’re pained because we are strong enough to take it. It marks the significance of becoming a mother, a highly valued position indeed.
Allah has blessed women with a type of strength that can’t be accessed through the size of our biceps, triceps and quads. It has nothing to do with our physical body, and everything to do with the nature within us. Women are an extraordinary creation and must be treated as such. We populate the world, raise the future generations, and create a delicate balance with our compassion, mercy, and beauty. Being a mother is a hard and sometimes painful job, but its benefits are beyond measure. As we are instructed in the Quran, “reverence your Guardian Lord… and reverence the wombs that bore you,” (4:1). We are the ones worthy of this reference. We are the ones mentioned first, second, and third in the popular hadith about those most worthy of good companionship. We are essential. We are irreplaceable. We are amazing. and we’re much stronger than we look.
On Patiently Being Single
On Patiently Being Single
By: Nadirah Angail
YouRACreator Editor/Journalist
It’s one thing to be single, but to be a single Muslimah is a completely different story. Though dominant culture seems to put less emphasis on marriage with each passing day, Muslims have not followed suit, and with good reason. Marriage is the basis of community life and a huge part of the religion. And because marriage is so important, young unwed Muslims often feel pressured to get married. At the same time, they are criticized and even ridiculed by some of their non-Muslim peers that find marriage in your youth an unnecessary and naïve choice.
Finding balance between critical peers and demanding community members can be taxing. Though fellow believers mean well, they don’t always realize the stress they place on unmarried Muslims when they continually bring up the topic. I’m married, but haven’t always been, so I know what it’s like to be single without wanting to be. It can be great at times when you’re out having fun, meeting new people. It can be devastating, though, when none of those new people turn out to be good for you. I know what it’s like to buy a cute outfit thinking it’ll make all the difference, only to end up looking cute and feeling lonely. It’s tough being single, but the tough times in our lives are often the times of greatest growth. It can be easy to look at your happily married friends and be jealous and self-doubting, but it takes growth and patience to understand that mates find each other in God’s time; and that up until that point, the two of you are being groomed for each other. Instead of being disappointed that you’re single now, understand that your singleness is no accident.
Perhaps you and your future mate aren’t ready for each other. (After all, we are constantly evolving.) The person that I was when I met my husband was different from the person that I was a few years earlier. The same applies for him. Had we met earlier, as different people, things might not have unfolded as they have. All that we had experienced up until that point was preparing us for the life we’d later lead, the conversations we’d later have, and the disagreements we’d inevitably face. Instead of wasting time being sad that you’re single, understand that Allah is saving you from unnecessary complication and strife. We plan and He plans, and we already know who plans best. Don’t lose faith when it gets rough, be patient and use that time wisely.
Just because you’re not in a relationship doesn’t mean that you can’t learn from people who are. I’ve made mistakes in my relationships, but there were others that I didn’t have to make because I saw too many other people make them. For example, I’ve seen women have sex with men in a desperate effort to keep him. What I noticed is that more often than not, he left anyway. As wonderful as sex is, it’s never enough to hold a genuine relationship together. Sex will not hold a man, because he can get that anywhere. And if that is all he’s interested in, his leaving is the best thing he can do for you. Far too many women resolve not to have sex, and then end up doing it anyway because of pressure, figuring it’ll all be worth it when they’re married. Sadly, few of those wedding actually occur and the woman is often left wishing she could turn back the hands of time. Sex shouldn’t have to be a bargaining tool.
It’s hard being a God-conscious woman when no one else seems to want you to be. Though there are many people of all religions choosing not to have sex, you’d never know it from looking at the world we live in. Sex is everywhere and you’re definitely considered an anomaly if you’re not following the crowd. Don’t be discouraged. The strange looks that you get from people only serve to prove that it takes courage and discipline to go against the grain and stand by your morals. Rather than feeling defeated that you’re the only person left attempting this seemingly insurmountable feat, find strength in knowing that you’re one of the ones that has managed to do something so many others have not. Sure, times have changed, as people will tell you, but that doesn’t mean that you should change your beliefs and values. Whatever you belief is regarding sex and relationships, don’t abandon it because it doesn’t gel with the popular views of society.
It was my personal choice to abstain until marriage. Outside of the fact that it was a religious obligation, it just made sense to do so. I’d seen too many people hurt in sexual relationships. Sex was too important for me to risk having it with someone that may or may not be there in the end. I wasn’t willing to risk pregnancy, STD’s and emotional pain just because everyone else was. That’s one of the things I like about Islam: it makes sense. God doesn’t command that we don’t fornicate just to make our lives difficult. He does it because that is what’s best for us. Think of how many issues are eliminated when sex is saved for marriage: No risk of disease, more security when children are born, and less emotional heart ache. This is not to judge people who choose to lead their lives differently, but it is to support why I have chosen the path that I have and to encourage others who are currently on that same journey.
Be sure to check back every Thursday for a new post. Feel free to leave comments!
On Why Being a Woman Should be a Paid Job
On Why Being a Woman Should be a Paid Job
By: Nadirah Angail
YouRACreator Editor/Journalist
As I prepare to deliver this baby girl (inshallah) and officially join the ranks of those who call themselves “mothers,” I take stock of all the additional responsibility I’ll have to take on. Changing diapers, bathing, grooming, feeding, and protecting: these are the absolute bare bones of parenting, a simple enough list that I think I can handle. But, on top of that, there’s also teaching (worldly and Islamic knowledge) providing an example of a good Muslim woman, exuding self love and confidence so she’ll have a solid base from which to launch her own self esteem, maintaining a healthy relationship with her father so she’ll know what a good marriage looks like, creating a welcoming and nurturing home environment so she’ll always feel comfortable and secure, staying abreast of her interests and concerns so she’ll always have someone to talk to, guiding her through puberty and all the other complicated transformations females go through, showing her how to be fashionable and Islamic, training her on the do’s and don’ts of cross-gender relations, educating her on what friendship is and isn’t… This list could go on forever.
And as if that weren’t enough to occupy my every waking moment, I’ll still have to find time to preserve my personal interests and maintain my marriage. Phew, I’m getting tired just typing this. Someone needs to come out with an energy bar formulated specially for the God-conscious woman. We could pull it out and take a bite whenever we’re feeling drained and overwhelmed by being scrutinized by the entire world.
A popular quote says that “if you want to know the condition of a society, look at its women.” I guess everyone is interested in societies’ conditions, because we are constantly being inspected. Like cells in a Petri dish, we are continuously examined, dissected and analyzed. In fact, it seems there are few world problems that haven’t at least at some point been blamed on women:
- Are you a man cheating on your wife? It’s not your fault. It was the combined efforts of your inattentive wife and that home-wrecking hussy.
- Did Adam get kicked out of the Garden? You bet he did, all because of that impulsive Eve who just had to have something from that tree. (This is the interpretation I’ve heard from some Christians.)
- Are you having trouble finding a job? Those darn independent women out there are taking all the jobs.
- Do you have schizophrenia? Your no-good mother screwed you up in childhood. (This one was actually considered fact at one point in the psychology field.)
- Why are contractions so painful when a woman has a baby? Because they’re being punished by God, those harlots! (This too was once considered fact in the early American medical model.)
- Is the world going to Hell in a hand basket? Of course it is, all these devilish women out here.
It’s almost as if women are the only ones capable of having a negative impact on the world. This seems to be the case in general society, but also within the Muslim communities. Though the religion of Islam brought liberation and improved conditions for pre-Islamic women, actual Muslims (some of them) have taken it upon themselves to be the harsh judges and dictators of women. This is not to say that women are perfect while men are really the devilish ones. It is to say that women get most, if not all, of the criticism and angry tirades while men seem to remain relatively unobserved.
For example, some Muslims will and do engage in heated discussions about the covering of a woman’s hair, the showing of her feet, or the color of her clothing. There seems to be far less heat and debate, however, around men-centered topics that, to me, are much more worthy of serious discussion, like leadership, business endeavors, and proper and gentle treatment of wives and children. From America to the Muslim World, overall Muslim leadership seems to be declining. Discuss that. Some business owners take the ideal of Islamic ethics and conduct as a mere suggestion rather than an obligation. Discuss that. Some husbands are extremely callous and disrespectful toward their wives and children. Discuss that. These are serious problems in our communities that should take precedence over the “all-black abaya vs. colored” debate.
In Islam, men have certain responsibilities and women have certain responsibilities. They are all important and should be taken seriously, but would it not make sense to begin to put more emphasis on our men, our providers, our leaders, our protectors, our imams, our fighters? I understand how tempting it must be to focus all attention on women. We’re beautiful, alluring, and a constant reminder of Islam. Our prescribed style of dress marks us as beacons for the entire world to see. Like a single red rose amongst a sea of yellow daisies, we stand out in a most beautiful way. Don’t punish us for this. Correct us when we sin and give us reminders so that we may stay aware, but don’t forget to do the same for yourselves. Your improper actions are just as wrong and punishable as ours. Remember this just as often as you remember us.
On Carefully Crafted, Bad Kids
On Carefully Crafted, Bad Kids
By: Nadirah Angail
YouRACreator Editor/Journalist
Considering that I’m not officially a parent yet, part of me feels like I don’t have the right to speak on this topic. The other part of me feels that I’ve been around enough children to know what I’m talking about. I’ll let the latter part be the bigger influence today. Children are a lot of work, period. I doubt many would dispute that statement. Even the best behaved children can make you wish they had an “Off” switch. It’s not their fault. They have to be busy, inquisitive, adventurous, and sometimes rebellious. These are the normal stages they go through so that they can develop into well adjusted adults.
So, it bothers me to see normal children, doing nothing more than what they’re supposed to at their age, being berated by their parents and called “bad.” When you’re 2 year old won’t sit down and adopts “No!” as his favorite response to anything you say, he’s not being bad. He’s exercising his newfound independence and ability to choose for himself. Of course this is frustrating, but it shouldn’t be characterized as bad. This only agitates the child and harms his budding self esteem.
If children’s behaviors aren’t viewed within the context of their developmental stages, bad behaviors are likely to be inadvertently encouraged and prolonged. Like the 5 year old that reassured me that “I’m is bad,” children begin to internalize the messages that they are exposed to the most. If all they hear is “you’re so bad,” they most definitely will be so bad. Have you ever met a child that said something about herself that you were certain she didn’t come up with on her own? (“I’m Julie. I’m 4 years old and I’m just destined for success.”) Though she clearly didn’t think this up on her own, she’s likely heard it enough that she now believes it and has no problem delivering the statement believably. The same thing happens with negative statements. That same girl could have said “I’m Julie. I’m 4 years old and I’m a bad little girl who never listens.” Which one of these seems more likely to have bad behavior?
It is absolutely crucial that children are praised and encouraged as well as disciplined. When we put our children down and only highlight their bad behaviors, the take away message becomes “I am bad. Bad is all I am capable off.”And if this is what they think of themselves, this is what they’ll display. Some children go their entire childhoods without receiving a compliment. Yet and still, their parents are always shocked at their uncontrollable conduct. They don’t see that these behaviors are the fruits of the seeds they unknowingly planted and cultivated. Children are smart and very capable, but they aren’t able to form a solid, positive self image if their parents don’t teach them how.
On Maintaining Healthy Bodies
On: Maintaining Healthy Bodies
By: Nadirah Angail
YouRACreator Editor/Journalist
Have you ever borrowed a friend’s really nice car? It’s a weird feeling: Paying extra attention to the speed limit so as not to get in any fender benders, keeping the radio at a moderate level so you can fully concentrate on the task at hand, resisting the urge to fool around with all the cool looking buttons that your car may not have, and definitely not eating in the car for fear that you may return it with the undeniable smell of french fries in the air. These are all things we do out of respect for the fact that we are not in our own car. We know that it has been entrusted to us by someone else. The same goes for borrowed clothes. It might not be that big of a deal if I spill something on my own clothes, but to spill something on a borrowed piece would be horrible. I can imagine myself rushing to the bathroom and praying that the speedy application of soap and water, followed by a stint under the hand dryer, would do the trick. In general, we take much better care of other people’s things than we do our own. This is a good thing, to be so respectful. But, why don’t we do this with the most valuable borrowed things we have: our bodies.
As far as this mortal life is concerned, our bodies are our own, subject to our commands and owned by no human being but us. On a grander scale, our bodies are like rental cars, given to us by the Creator for a period of time, ours to temporarily use to complete various important tasks. It is these beautiful loaners that we use to navigate our way through this physical world. But just like a rental car, we will have to return them and answer for their conditions. So where’s that respect that we show to other people’s cars and clothes? So many of us smoke, drink, eat horrible foods, lead dangerous lifestyles and just blatantly disrespect our bodies. Why don’t we feel bad about this? Because, despite the reality, we often forget (or may not even acknowledge) that we are creation, and so must answer to our Creator.
With the many accomplishments of the powerful human brain, it’s easy to become arrogant and think that we are the ultimate creators. Humans can build breathtaking architecture, solve perplexing problems and equations, create beautiful works of art, and invent life-enhancing gadgets. Of course we’re the best thing since sliced bread, or so we think. But what about all the things we can’t do? When the land is dry, we cannot make it rain. Only the Almighty. When the threat of natural disasters appears, we cannot stop it, delay it, or decrease its power in anyway. Only the Almighty. When we go to sleep, and still continue to take in one lifesaving breath after another, we cannot control it. Only the Almighty. Even with our many inventions/discoveries/accomplishments, we cannot take one step or even think one thought without the permission of the Most High.
So, back to this body issue. Are we not intelligent enough to know that the things we are doing to our bodies are detrimental? No, because there’s more than enough readily available information about the toxicity of the things we put in our bodies. Are we not insightful enough to know that the many physical problems we experience are the result of our own doing? No, again. Many of us know that our lifestyles bring about bad results. Yet and still, we don’t care. There is an insidious sense of apathy that lives among us. For the most part, we’re just lazy. We want to relax, eat good, party hard, and constantly indulge our every whim. Sure, we’ll respect a borrowed car or dress, because it doesn’t take much effort to do so. We know that, sooner or later, we’ll be back to our own belongings and able to do with them what we please. Our bodies, however, take much more effort. In order to care of them like we should, we have to exercise, eat healthy foods, and avoid unhealthy substances. And who wants to do that in this land of total indulgence? It’s great to have fun and relax, but at what point will we realize that we’re killing ourselves and disrespecting the Creator in the process? Just something to think about.
Copyright© 2009
On Accepting Change
Have you ever looked back at old pictures or old diary entries from years ago, months ago, or maybe even last week and thought “What was I thinking?” It’s so crazy how fast we change and don’t even realize its happening. The only time we can realize we’ve changed is when we’re able to look back at our old selves and compare. Just like the little hash marks my father used to make on the doorframe to show how much I’d grown, I never felt any taller, but the marks kept getting higher. And it is this constant yet elusive quality of change that makes life the challenge that it is. If things were always the same, sooner or later you’d master it, like that predictable first level on all video games. You add change into the picture and mastery seems to become an unattainable goal, because you don’t know what’s coming, you’re still trying to recover from what just came and you’re anxiety about the whole things in through the roof. Yep, that sounds like a pretty accurate description of life to me.So what do you do about it? Well, there are a couple options: You could have a carefree, live-by-the-seat-of-your-pants lifestyle, just living off this great land, marveling at everything and expecting nothing. You could convince yourself that you are in control by meticulously planning out every detail in your life (and then have a nervous breakdown when life calmly places a big monkey wrench in your plans) or you could simply make your intentions, do what you can, and let Allah do the rest.
That last option, though I think it is best, is so much easier said than done. As much as I tell myself that I find comfort in knowing the Most High is in control, I still get attitudes and have little tantrums when things don’t go my way ( but His). One of the hardest things is trying to out think He who created thinking, He who created you from sounding clay and most definitely knows you better than you know yourself, He who makes it possible for even the smallest thought to enter your head. There’s no beating Him, no matter how hard we (I) try.
As self absorbed, and so-called independent as we are, accepting our relative insignificance and realizing out lack of control is next to impossible for many. It’s even blasphemous to some. (We’ll just define blasphemy as saying or doing something considered disrespectful to the American Way.) Many of us interpret “the pursuit of life, liberty and happiness” as ” being our own miniature gods.” We should interpret it as “giving God control so we can achieve life, liberty and happiness.” Who knows better for me (and all of us) than the All Knowing? So who am I to to try to take the reigns and change the divine path?
Copyright© 2009
On Why I Cry at Night
By: Nadirah Angail
YRAC Editor/Journalist
I fear for my nieces, because even Dora the Explorer wears a belly shirt. And Kim Possible won’t get a bigger shirt to save her life. They’re in love with those Bratz dolls, which to me look like little floozies. (I just don’t see why dolls for little girls should be so provocatively dressed). I know they’re only 6 and 8, but soon enough they’ll be 10 and 12; and sadly, some girls have already lost their innocence by then.
Sure, I tell them they look adorable in their age-appropriate clothes, but who else will? At what point will they realize that the only ones that like their clothes are the people that live in their house? And will that matter? It’s hard to counteract these messages that are coming at them left and right. Because when everyone else thinks it’s cute and normal that their daughters’ clothes look painted-on, I look like the crazy one when I say it’s a problem. When I don’t clap after the cheerleading routine that looks like it was stolen from some strip club, I look unsupportive and cold.
I wonder what these parents are thinking. Your 13 year old wears more makeup than Ru Paul, and you’re cool with that? Your 14 year old’s thong sticks up out her pants, and you’re not at all bothered? (Sidebar: Remind me again why a 14 year old even needs a thong?) Your 16 year old’s cleavage is all over Myspace, and you chalk it up to normal teenage behavior? Maybe it’s just me, but I think it’s extremely abnormal for our girls to be so sexualized at such young ages.
Kim Possible
We women really need to make up our minds. On one hand, we claim we demand respect for all females and teach our daughters to be independent, high achievers. On the other, we covertly convince them that the way to success, happiness and worthiness is through their bodies. Well, actually, it’s not covert at all. Turn on the TV or flip through any magazine and tell me how covert the messages are.
We try to justify by saying women have been oppressed for years— for centuries even— and that now is the time to break free, to be sexually liberated, or to be “Stripped”, as Christiana Aguilera put it. Say that if you wish, whatever helps you sleep at night, but know the truth. Women in our society have been and still are oppressed in many ways. The only difference now is that we’ve accepted it and don’t even know it. At least when women couldn’t vote, we knew we were being treated unfairly. But now, we’re so fooled into believing that this is what true liberation looks like, so blinded by the false sense of worth, that we don’t even see the thick bars of hypocrisy that encage us. Look at how many women feel obligated to dressy sexy just to be noticed. Look at how many women base their value on how many heads they turn. Now, how liberated is that?
To me, liberation is knowing that I attracted my husband in so many ways
Appropriate for our girls?
that had nothing to do with the curve of my body, knowing that my sexuality is a wonderful thing and displayed only to he who is worthy. Liberation is knowing that I can walk into a room and command attention with my speech, my ideas, my presence. That’s the liberation I want my nieces to feel one day. But for now, they’re 6 and 8, and don’t even know the meaning of the word. So until then, I’ll just pray on it, try to set the best example possible, and hide all their Bratz dolls!
Nadirah Angail
Copyright© 2009
On the Horrible News of a Young Person’s Wedding
On behalf of everyone that got married before the age of 25:
I think the Chinese brought in 2007 as the year of the pig, but I took the liberty of changing its name to The Year of the Wedding. So many young believers I know made it official that year; and while I think it’s a blessing that so many of us have been able to make spiritually responsible choices and not use our age as an excuse, others feel compelled to both warn and discourage us because of our apparently unpopular decision. Now, I understand and appreciate the concern, because I know marriage is a big step. However, there’s no need to look disgusted and/or surprised when you hear of an upcoming wedding. And there’s definitely no need to make annoying comments such as:
-Why so young?
-Oh, I hope that works out for you. (Usually said in a voice that let’s you know they’re really thinking “What a dummy!”).
-What for? Are you pregnant?
-But, you’re so young. Don’t you want to date other people?
- Girl, don’t do it! (Often said by broken-hearted women who have given up hope on men).
-I wouldn’t do it, but that’s good for you. (Again, said in a voice that let’s you know they disapprove.)
Ok, so I’m aware that the divorce rate is somewhere around 50 percent—and that even ultra-patient, civil rights activist Nelson Mandela couldn’t make it work—but I’m also aware that we live in an anything-goes society that applauds immorality and tries its hardest to get us off the straight and narrow. They want us, women especially, to showcase our sin. The farther away we move from our natural selves, the more acclaim we receive. When we become wild and promiscuous, we are lauded for being “sexually liberated.” When we choose marriage over casual dating, we’re judged as being stifled by religious doctrine, brainwashed, and archaic. This popularized backwards thinking tells us that it’s ok if we live wild lives today and then settle down in our old age, but to establish something beautiful and God-approved in our youth is a bad, naive choice. Shaitan has definitely left his mark.
We were all born into submission, so its natural to want to please Him; but because the Rejected is good at what he does, so many of us have been convinced that sticking to our nature is old fashioned and downright oppressive. This world works double time to lure us into putting out our spiritual light in the name of youth, freedom, and independence. Never mind the fact that we will be asked on the Day of Judgment what we did with our youth. Never mind the fact that saying “I was just trying to be free and independent” will not be accepted as an excuse from the Most High. Never mind that the Fire’s fuel is men and stones.
If the state of American marriages is so bad (and I agree that it is) don’t discourage those of us that still see it as valuable and beautiful. Don’t discourage us from living up to a higher expectation. Instead, focus that energy on promoting healthy marriages and families. Take a stand against the billion-dollar industries that profit from persuading us that sex and sexiness are the answers to everything, that money is all that matters, and that cheating is a normal part of life. Those are the people you should be disgusted with, not those of us that are trying to live right in a world so wrong.
Nadirah Angail
my2dollars.wordpress.com
Copyright© 2009
On Man-Hating Women
On man-hating women
Everyone knows at least one woman that just seems to hate men. She immediately finds problems with every man she meets and will needlessly chime in to tell you about the flaws in your man. These kinds of people are usually a pain to be around, but, more often than not, their behavior and pessimistic attitudes are the result of their own pain. We wonder why these women are so mean and evil towards men. It’s because they’ve been used so much that they have nothing left to give. Some women take so much debilitating treatment from men that they give up on men altogether and start to date other women. It’s human nature to try to protect and defend yourself against any threatening presence; and if the men in your life have brought nothing but threat and harm, you will instinctually begin to defend yourself against all men. So these forever-negative women aren’t as evil as they seem. They’re hurt, and they’re attempting to heal the only way they know how.
The problem with their way of healing is that it doesn’t allow true healing. Just as addicts’ drugs don’t solve whatever issues that drove them to use in the first place, her overbearing negativity is not the cure-all she thinks it is. What it does do is reinforce her current ideas about men. All men aren’t bad, but if you’ve already closed your mind and heart to the idea of a good man, bad men will dominate your experiences.
This begins to answer the question “Why do good girls like bad boys?” Though I think the full answer is complex and far-reaching, a big part of it is the fact that bad boys reinforce their current ideas and allow them to say “I told you so. Men ain’t no good.” When she meets a nice, respectful men that wants to be gentile with her and give her his best, she turns him down. She thinks he’s fake, weird, a punk, a wimp, or gay. She refuses to accept him, because his whole being contrasts her dominant story of what a man is and should act like. So because he doesn’t match her mold, she writes him off as a false representation of a man. When she meets men that use her and treat her horribly, she quickly attaches to these familiar characters; and when the relationship unravels, she can always have the last word.
It can definitely be rough being in a relationship with a bad man, but it does have its advantages. Many women that repeatedly end up in bad relationships find solace in knowing that they’re more together than their men. When your man is into all types of trouble, it makes you look better in comparison. More importantly, it takes the focus off of you and your flaws and puts it on him. Who has time to self reflect when they’re completely wrapped up in someone else’s crazy life? Part of the challenge of being in a relationship with a good man is that it forces you to look at yourself. No longer can you blame everything on him and his ways. Introspection becomes necessary. Introspection, as important as it is, is one of the most terrifying things you’ll ever do, because there’s no one else to blame for the problems you see.
There’s a fear that comes along with accepting a good man into your life. Will he outshine me? Will he look down on me because of my flaws? When we get in an argument, am I going to be able to blame it all on him? No, you won’t. Because a good man, just like a good woman, can admit when he’s wrong and hold you accountable when you’re wrong. There’s a certain healthy uneasiness in being in a relationship with a good man, because you’re no longer in a one-up position. You are humbled as you are forced to come down from your throne and face someone worthwhile.
Nadirah Angail
Copyright© 2009
