On My Constant Battle With Doubt

By: Nadirah Angail
YRAC Editor/Journalist

I think I’m a pretty agreeable person, so I don’t have any enemies. Well, there is this one woman, but I don’t know if she counts. She’s cool most of the time, but sometimes tries to fight and discourage me from whatever it is I’m trying to do. I guess you could call her a hater, but I think Doubter would be a better title. Yes, Doubter is definitely a better title. I should know, because the woman is me. As weird as it may sound, I am my own enemy.
Doubter isn’t always around. A lot of times she is nowhere to be found. But, when I start to make plans—big plans, things I’d like to accomplish— she shows up every time. She marches up, full of “what ifs” and contingencies, and whittles away at my self esteem. Sometimes, I can ignore her, but other times she becomes a full-on bully, blackening the eyes of all my dreams.

Doubter gets around. I’m sure she’s bullied more than a few of us. She spends her days belittling dreams, crushing hopes and stealing lunch money (intellectual lunch money, that is). This scrapper has got a lot of “wins” under her belt, but she’s also got some “loses.” And the secret of those that defeat her is simple: they don’t listen to her taunts.

Just like the Rejected One, she has no power other than that which we give her. So, despite her menacing appearance, she’s harmless at the root. She only becomes powerful when we ingest her lies. She tells us we’re not ______ enough, and we believe her. She tells us we can’t do it, and we believe her. She tells us all kinds of destructive, untrue things that we willingly take into ourselves as truth. This is her strategy. This is how she’s developed her reputation as the fierce fighter she appears to be.

I’ve wasted enough time and opportunity listening to doubt. As wonderful as I am, I’ve agree to the tale that I am not enough. As intelligent as you are, you’ve agreed to the tale that your ideas are not enough. As magnificent and worthy as we all are, we’ve agreed to downgrade ourselves to lower ranks. Our strike is only as powerful as the energy that propels it. Doubt steals that energy, weakens our blow, all in the name of regression. The constant growth of life is inhibited when doubt is indulged. And who am I to prevent my own growth?

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