On Patiently Being Single
On Patiently Being Single
By: Nadirah Angail
YouRACreator Editor/Journalist
It’s one thing to be single, but to be a single Muslimah is a completely different story. Though dominant culture seems to put less emphasis on marriage with each passing day, Muslims have not followed suit, and with good reason. Marriage is the basis of community life and a huge part of the religion. And because marriage is so important, young unwed Muslims often feel pressured to get married. At the same time, they are criticized and even ridiculed by some of their non-Muslim peers that find marriage in your youth an unnecessary and naïve choice.
Finding balance between critical peers and demanding community members can be taxing. Though fellow believers mean well, they don’t always realize the stress they place on unmarried Muslims when they continually bring up the topic. I’m married, but haven’t always been, so I know what it’s like to be single without wanting to be. It can be great at times when you’re out having fun, meeting new people. It can be devastating, though, when none of those new people turn out to be good for you. I know what it’s like to buy a cute outfit thinking it’ll make all the difference, only to end up looking cute and feeling lonely. It’s tough being single, but the tough times in our lives are often the times of greatest growth. It can be easy to look at your happily married friends and be jealous and self-doubting, but it takes growth and patience to understand that mates find each other in God’s time; and that up until that point, the two of you are being groomed for each other. Instead of being disappointed that you’re single now, understand that your singleness is no accident.
Perhaps you and your future mate aren’t ready for each other. (After all, we are constantly evolving.) The person that I was when I met my husband was different from the person that I was a few years earlier. The same applies for him. Had we met earlier, as different people, things might not have unfolded as they have. All that we had experienced up until that point was preparing us for the life we’d later lead, the conversations we’d later have, and the disagreements we’d inevitably face. Instead of wasting time being sad that you’re single, understand that Allah is saving you from unnecessary complication and strife. We plan and He plans, and we already know who plans best. Don’t lose faith when it gets rough, be patient and use that time wisely.
Just because you’re not in a relationship doesn’t mean that you can’t learn from people who are. I’ve made mistakes in my relationships, but there were others that I didn’t have to make because I saw too many other people make them. For example, I’ve seen women have sex with men in a desperate effort to keep him. What I noticed is that more often than not, he left anyway. As wonderful as sex is, it’s never enough to hold a genuine relationship together. Sex will not hold a man, because he can get that anywhere. And if that is all he’s interested in, his leaving is the best thing he can do for you. Far too many women resolve not to have sex, and then end up doing it anyway because of pressure, figuring it’ll all be worth it when they’re married. Sadly, few of those wedding actually occur and the woman is often left wishing she could turn back the hands of time. Sex shouldn’t have to be a bargaining tool.
It’s hard being a God-conscious woman when no one else seems to want you to be. Though there are many people of all religions choosing not to have sex, you’d never know it from looking at the world we live in. Sex is everywhere and you’re definitely considered an anomaly if you’re not following the crowd. Don’t be discouraged. The strange looks that you get from people only serve to prove that it takes courage and discipline to go against the grain and stand by your morals. Rather than feeling defeated that you’re the only person left attempting this seemingly insurmountable feat, find strength in knowing that you’re one of the ones that has managed to do something so many others have not. Sure, times have changed, as people will tell you, but that doesn’t mean that you should change your beliefs and values. Whatever you belief is regarding sex and relationships, don’t abandon it because it doesn’t gel with the popular views of society.
It was my personal choice to abstain until marriage. Outside of the fact that it was a religious obligation, it just made sense to do so. I’d seen too many people hurt in sexual relationships. Sex was too important for me to risk having it with someone that may or may not be there in the end. I wasn’t willing to risk pregnancy, STD’s and emotional pain just because everyone else was. That’s one of the things I like about Islam: it makes sense. God doesn’t command that we don’t fornicate just to make our lives difficult. He does it because that is what’s best for us. Think of how many issues are eliminated when sex is saved for marriage: No risk of disease, more security when children are born, and less emotional heart ache. This is not to judge people who choose to lead their lives differently, but it is to support why I have chosen the path that I have and to encourage others who are currently on that same journey.
Be sure to check back every Thursday for a new post. Feel free to leave comments!
Asking Questions, Finding Purpose
Asking Questions, Finding Purpose
By: Finesse
YouRACreator member
I’ve had a lot going on lately…a lot, to the point where I’ve begun to question myself on a lot of things. I do it often, but hadn’t done it in a while. Mainly, well, exclusively I question myself. I have a lot of issues stemming from my childhood/teen experiences. To say the least, they have affected me. Many women deal with abuse as a child or teenager, and we are ALL affected, each differently. A major affect it has had on me is that it has made me my own worst enemy. I have not been able to forget or let it go.Everyday for weeks, I’ve wondered, “Why me?. Why must I be so broken? Why is it that when I think I’m happy or when I should be happy, I find some way or reason not to be?” When things seem to be going fine, I find something wrong or do something to make things wrong. It sometimes gets to the point where I get so mad at myself and feel so sad that I become numb. I was going through that today, still going through it now. But you know what? I’ve learned, and I’m telling all of you, do not let anyone or anything in this world get to you in a way that it will be your downfall.
I put myself down, I blamed myself for things, and I allowed myself to believe that I do not build, only destroy. I realized, while I was doing all this, thinking so negatively, allowing myself to feel such pain, that I was distracted from Allah (swt), my Deen, and all that is good for me. I can’t do that. I need Allah (swt) to the fullest and Allah (swt) alone. He is the answer to all my questions, ALL of them. As long as I work to restore my faith in Him, I need not worry or think about anything else, because He will make a way and guide me back to the straight path.
I’ve asked “Why me? Why am I so broken? When will I be happy with myself, when can I be normal?” We all ask questions when we do not know, when we need clarity, guidance, knowledge. We are ignorant about some things, so we ask for answers. I found my answer. It was simple. It was just Allah (swt).
On the Differences Between Terrorists and School Shooters
On the Differences Between Terrorists and School Shooters
By: Nadirah Angail
YouRACreator Editor/Journalist
A few facts, just so there’s no confusion:
1. I am Muslim
2. I am not a terrorist
3. Islam does NOT advocate terrorism
4. Anyone that tells you otherwise has been misinformed and clearly knows nothing about Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) and the way he conducted himself during battle.
Now that that’s out of the way, I have a question. Do you know who Seung-Hui Cho and Steven Kazmierczak are? How about Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold? They’re the Virginia Tech, Northern Illinois University, and Columbine shooters, respectively. They’re the men and boys that, just like the “Radical, Islamic Terrorists” we hear so much about, took the lives of innocent people before ending their own. Though the specific details are different, the basic scenarios for these school shooters and terrorists are the same: Unexpected men show up with weapons and kill themselves and innocent people nearby. Despite these striking similarities, there are vast differences in the ways they are categorized and portrayed in the media.
No one would ever argue that the school shooters were justified in their actions, but a lot of time has been spent on humanizing their stories and casting them as “hurt souls gone wrong” rather than as vicious killers. Soon after all of these tragedies took place, countless news stories surfaced about the backgrounds of these killers. Harris and Klebold weren’t cold-blooded murderers, but tortured, young souls that had been bullied and pushed to the edge of sanity. Cho wasn’t an evil terrorist, but a Depression-plagued, shy man that couldn’t live up to his sister’s success. Kazmierczak wasn’t a crazed killer, but a normal, caring guy that just recently stopped taking his antidepressants and was having relationship troubles with his girlfriend. Parents, siblings, extended family members and mental health professionals all came out to attest to the horrible and unfortunate set of circumstances that pushed these individuals to commit such acts. The underlying message was clear: these weren’t horrible people. They just made horrible decisions.
Contrast those messages with those given about Middle Eastern suicide bombers. No background is given. No mother’s plea about how her son was just “misunderstood and backed into a corner.” No professional assessments of their likely mental states. No energy whatsoever is spent on humanizing their stories. All that is presented is that they are Muslim (sometimes referred to as Radical Islamists) Terrorists that live along the Axis of Evil and must be stopped by any means necessary. Is it not true that many of these people have also been bullied and pushed to the edge of sanity? Could they not have also been plagued by Depression or some other mental health issue? Is it mere coincidence that many of them have been through traumatic experiences, come from war torn areas, and have watched their land being stolen and their family members executed? Is this back story not worthy of being shared? I guess not if you’re Muslim. This information does not justify their acts; wrong is wrong. But it does point to the fact that things are not always as black and white as they seem on TV. Suicide bombers, just like the school shooters, don’t just wake up one day and decide to become killers. Their decisions to kill are the disastrous culminations of complex and disturbing histories that are rarely explored, rarely considered.
Troubled Soul?
- Evil Killer?
On Why Being a Woman Should be a Paid Job
On Why Being a Woman Should be a Paid Job
By: Nadirah Angail
YouRACreator Editor/Journalist
As I prepare to deliver this baby girl (inshallah) and officially join the ranks of those who call themselves “mothers,” I take stock of all the additional responsibility I’ll have to take on. Changing diapers, bathing, grooming, feeding, and protecting: these are the absolute bare bones of parenting, a simple enough list that I think I can handle. But, on top of that, there’s also teaching (worldly and Islamic knowledge) providing an example of a good Muslim woman, exuding self love and confidence so she’ll have a solid base from which to launch her own self esteem, maintaining a healthy relationship with her father so she’ll know what a good marriage looks like, creating a welcoming and nurturing home environment so she’ll always feel comfortable and secure, staying abreast of her interests and concerns so she’ll always have someone to talk to, guiding her through puberty and all the other complicated transformations females go through, showing her how to be fashionable and Islamic, training her on the do’s and don’ts of cross-gender relations, educating her on what friendship is and isn’t… This list could go on forever.
And as if that weren’t enough to occupy my every waking moment, I’ll still have to find time to preserve my personal interests and maintain my marriage. Phew, I’m getting tired just typing this. Someone needs to come out with an energy bar formulated specially for the God-conscious woman. We could pull it out and take a bite whenever we’re feeling drained and overwhelmed by being scrutinized by the entire world.
A popular quote says that “if you want to know the condition of a society, look at its women.” I guess everyone is interested in societies’ conditions, because we are constantly being inspected. Like cells in a Petri dish, we are continuously examined, dissected and analyzed. In fact, it seems there are few world problems that haven’t at least at some point been blamed on women:
- Are you a man cheating on your wife? It’s not your fault. It was the combined efforts of your inattentive wife and that home-wrecking hussy.
- Did Adam get kicked out of the Garden? You bet he did, all because of that impulsive Eve who just had to have something from that tree. (This is the interpretation I’ve heard from some Christians.)
- Are you having trouble finding a job? Those darn independent women out there are taking all the jobs.
- Do you have schizophrenia? Your no-good mother screwed you up in childhood. (This one was actually considered fact at one point in the psychology field.)
- Why are contractions so painful when a woman has a baby? Because they’re being punished by God, those harlots! (This too was once considered fact in the early American medical model.)
- Is the world going to Hell in a hand basket? Of course it is, all these devilish women out here.
It’s almost as if women are the only ones capable of having a negative impact on the world. This seems to be the case in general society, but also within the Muslim communities. Though the religion of Islam brought liberation and improved conditions for pre-Islamic women, actual Muslims (some of them) have taken it upon themselves to be the harsh judges and dictators of women. This is not to say that women are perfect while men are really the devilish ones. It is to say that women get most, if not all, of the criticism and angry tirades while men seem to remain relatively unobserved.
For example, some Muslims will and do engage in heated discussions about the covering of a woman’s hair, the showing of her feet, or the color of her clothing. There seems to be far less heat and debate, however, around men-centered topics that, to me, are much more worthy of serious discussion, like leadership, business endeavors, and proper and gentle treatment of wives and children. From America to the Muslim World, overall Muslim leadership seems to be declining. Discuss that. Some business owners take the ideal of Islamic ethics and conduct as a mere suggestion rather than an obligation. Discuss that. Some husbands are extremely callous and disrespectful toward their wives and children. Discuss that. These are serious problems in our communities that should take precedence over the “all-black abaya vs. colored” debate.
In Islam, men have certain responsibilities and women have certain responsibilities. They are all important and should be taken seriously, but would it not make sense to begin to put more emphasis on our men, our providers, our leaders, our protectors, our imams, our fighters? I understand how tempting it must be to focus all attention on women. We’re beautiful, alluring, and a constant reminder of Islam. Our prescribed style of dress marks us as beacons for the entire world to see. Like a single red rose amongst a sea of yellow daisies, we stand out in a most beautiful way. Don’t punish us for this. Correct us when we sin and give us reminders so that we may stay aware, but don’t forget to do the same for yourselves. Your improper actions are just as wrong and punishable as ours. Remember this just as often as you remember us.
