Being a Mommy- All Your Dream Jobs Rolled into One
Being a Mommy- All your Dream Jobs Rolled into One
By: Finesse
YouRACreator Member
A lot of women think when they have a kid, “How am I supposed to accomplish my goals with someone depending on me 24/7?” Well, really, if you sit down and think about it, being a mom has every job you can imagine wrapped into one.
1.) Pediatrician- Milicon for gas…Tylenol for fever…
2.) Biochemist- “What the heck did you eat? What color is that?”
3.) Fashion Designer- Who else can make the “extremely worn out” look work? And then there’s: “Okay, red bib… Does this onesie still fit? Now your shoes, ummm, Nike or Baby Gap?”
4.) Bartender- No one can make and shake a bottle of Enfamil at 3am like a mommy.
5.) Maid- I know this is no one’s dream job, but reality bites and it’s apart of it. I have to mention the bad with the good.
6.) Hair dresser- “How did I get applesauce in my hair?” or “Please stop pulling mommy’s hair, baby!” And of course the fabulous look from when you first wake up in the morning after getting up to feed three times in the middle of the night.
7.) Comedian- Easy when your audience is a 3 month old that finds everything funny.
8.) Dancer- You know that silly little dance you do for/with your kid? Yep, you’re a choreographer. Now, just don’t get carried away, or else you’ll have an unexpected audience because you forgot you’re in the middle of Wal-Mart.
9.) Singer- Your rendition of Itsy Bitsy Spider or, for my sisters, nasheeds and surahs, could possibly get you a spot on American Idol… the first few audition episodes, anyway. The up side is that your kid probably doesn’t know what bad sounds like yet.
10.) Engineer- Anyone who can figure out all the toys and harnesses that children are put into deserves this title. Even diapers can be complicated for the inexperienced.
11.) Actress- You deserve an Oscar (or should I say an Elmo) for your entertaining impressions.
12.) Celebrity- Any time you enter the room, your kid freaks out like a groupie at a Michael Jackson concert or a P. Diddy fan after he’s made a successful band. Put on your shades because to your kid, you’re Angelina Jolie/Halle Berry, baby!
So who’s to say that being a mommy can’t be glamorous? No one else gets the opportunity to multi-task like that. No one else works harder and gets greater rewards. (No offense to the men. This works for the single daddies too). Take it in and enjoy, no matter how old your kid is, because you are the world to them, especially when they are young. And for Muslim children, paradise is at their mother’s feet. Enjoy every moment, even when they’re screaming their heads off, because when they become independent, you will miss every bit. Life is short, and so is childhood when you’re the mommy. Appreciate what your mothers did for you. They had it rough too, but if you’re here, they made it work alright. Any woman or girl can have kids, but only a mother will actually care for them. Be a mother, not a baby maker. Love your kids, they’re your greatest gift!
On Carefully Crafted, Bad Kids
On Carefully Crafted, Bad Kids
By: Nadirah Angail
YouRACreator Editor/Journalist
Considering that I’m not officially a parent yet, part of me feels like I don’t have the right to speak on this topic. The other part of me feels that I’ve been around enough children to know what I’m talking about. I’ll let the latter part be the bigger influence today. Children are a lot of work, period. I doubt many would dispute that statement. Even the best behaved children can make you wish they had an “Off” switch. It’s not their fault. They have to be busy, inquisitive, adventurous, and sometimes rebellious. These are the normal stages they go through so that they can develop into well adjusted adults.
So, it bothers me to see normal children, doing nothing more than what they’re supposed to at their age, being berated by their parents and called “bad.” When you’re 2 year old won’t sit down and adopts “No!” as his favorite response to anything you say, he’s not being bad. He’s exercising his newfound independence and ability to choose for himself. Of course this is frustrating, but it shouldn’t be characterized as bad. This only agitates the child and harms his budding self esteem.
If children’s behaviors aren’t viewed within the context of their developmental stages, bad behaviors are likely to be inadvertently encouraged and prolonged. Like the 5 year old that reassured me that “I’m is bad,” children begin to internalize the messages that they are exposed to the most. If all they hear is “you’re so bad,” they most definitely will be so bad. Have you ever met a child that said something about herself that you were certain she didn’t come up with on her own? (“I’m Julie. I’m 4 years old and I’m just destined for success.”) Though she clearly didn’t think this up on her own, she’s likely heard it enough that she now believes it and has no problem delivering the statement believably. The same thing happens with negative statements. That same girl could have said “I’m Julie. I’m 4 years old and I’m a bad little girl who never listens.” Which one of these seems more likely to have bad behavior?
It is absolutely crucial that children are praised and encouraged as well as disciplined. When we put our children down and only highlight their bad behaviors, the take away message becomes “I am bad. Bad is all I am capable off.”And if this is what they think of themselves, this is what they’ll display. Some children go their entire childhoods without receiving a compliment. Yet and still, their parents are always shocked at their uncontrollable conduct. They don’t see that these behaviors are the fruits of the seeds they unknowingly planted and cultivated. Children are smart and very capable, but they aren’t able to form a solid, positive self image if their parents don’t teach them how.
Allah Knows Best
Allah Knows Best
By: Finesse
YouRACreator member
I have been a revert for a little over a year now. Every day since the time I reverted, I have been shown over and over that Allah knows best, but did not truly notice until recently. I have to be honest and say that when I first reverted, I had not yet totally adopted the faith that I should have had. I, of course, strive to be the perfect Muslimah, but perfect I have not been, nor will I ever be. I used to get annoyed when people, Muslim and non, would tell me that I needed to stop worrying so much. I would always think, “You are not in my shoes. Do not tell me not to worry. I need money for this. I don’t have that. Someone did this to me.” I never listened. Though deep down I almost knew worrying would be the death of me, I couldn’t stop. It was so bad that I worried about EVERYONE.
It is amazing and I am so proud looking back and comparing my faith then to how much I have progressed now. In two weeks time, I have lost two family members and my place of employment. The only way that I may pursue employment now is to put my 4 month old son in daycare, which I refuse to do. Previously, my job allowed me to bring him because I was in childcare, but they shut down without notice. The old me would have totally lost it by now, but I have been okay. I have actually been quite happy. Yes, I lost family members, but I know that the world that they left was a harsh one, so I do not cry. Yes, I lost my job, but now I have time with my son and a chance to go back to school. Because I was laid off, I am also getting unemployment to provide a temporary income. Unlike the old me, I did not question. I see these events as Allah’s will and I am thankful. I do not have what the average man would deem as “valuable,” but in regards to my faith, family, and blessings, I deem myself wealthy. In my mind, nothing else matters.
So, here is to the topic at hand—Iman. I tell everyone that you can make prayer and go to Jummah, but the true tests of faith come when things are falling apart around you. Do not call upon Allah only when you feel as though you need things fixed. Allah blesses you every day. The biggest blessings are just being here another day. How old are you now? Think of how long He has been giving you that one blessing of living another day and how many other blessings came along with that. Allah constantly guides and looks after you, so why only occasionally seek Him? When things seem to be at their worst, ask yourself a few questions. I call it the Iman Check:
1) Are you alive?
2) Are you healthy?
3) Do you have a means of living?
4) Is someone worse off than you?
5) Did you seek Allah today?
For each of these questions that you can answer “yes” to, you are truly blessed. If you answered “no” to 2 or 3 questions, then as hard as it may be, please remember that as long as you are living Allah is not done with you yet. He has a plan for you. As long as you continue to worship Him and Him alone, you will be taken care of. It cannot be said when or how, but Allah knows best and one way or another it will be. For question 4, someone is ALWAYS worse off than you. Be appreciative of that fact and seek to help those that are in need. Even the man with two pennies has something to give to the man who has none. And for question 5, no matter what day or time, this answer should always be “yes.” It has always been said that your frame of mind had a large affect on the events in your life and the way you handle them. This is true, but the biggest factor is your faith. This is what will ultimately determine your frame of mind and your heart, which will in turn make a difference in how strong your faith will be. I hope that this serves as a valuable reminder to everyone.
On Maintaining Healthy Bodies
On: Maintaining Healthy Bodies
By: Nadirah Angail
YouRACreator Editor/Journalist
Have you ever borrowed a friend’s really nice car? It’s a weird feeling: Paying extra attention to the speed limit so as not to get in any fender benders, keeping the radio at a moderate level so you can fully concentrate on the task at hand, resisting the urge to fool around with all the cool looking buttons that your car may not have, and definitely not eating in the car for fear that you may return it with the undeniable smell of french fries in the air. These are all things we do out of respect for the fact that we are not in our own car. We know that it has been entrusted to us by someone else. The same goes for borrowed clothes. It might not be that big of a deal if I spill something on my own clothes, but to spill something on a borrowed piece would be horrible. I can imagine myself rushing to the bathroom and praying that the speedy application of soap and water, followed by a stint under the hand dryer, would do the trick. In general, we take much better care of other people’s things than we do our own. This is a good thing, to be so respectful. But, why don’t we do this with the most valuable borrowed things we have: our bodies.
As far as this mortal life is concerned, our bodies are our own, subject to our commands and owned by no human being but us. On a grander scale, our bodies are like rental cars, given to us by the Creator for a period of time, ours to temporarily use to complete various important tasks. It is these beautiful loaners that we use to navigate our way through this physical world. But just like a rental car, we will have to return them and answer for their conditions. So where’s that respect that we show to other people’s cars and clothes? So many of us smoke, drink, eat horrible foods, lead dangerous lifestyles and just blatantly disrespect our bodies. Why don’t we feel bad about this? Because, despite the reality, we often forget (or may not even acknowledge) that we are creation, and so must answer to our Creator.
With the many accomplishments of the powerful human brain, it’s easy to become arrogant and think that we are the ultimate creators. Humans can build breathtaking architecture, solve perplexing problems and equations, create beautiful works of art, and invent life-enhancing gadgets. Of course we’re the best thing since sliced bread, or so we think. But what about all the things we can’t do? When the land is dry, we cannot make it rain. Only the Almighty. When the threat of natural disasters appears, we cannot stop it, delay it, or decrease its power in anyway. Only the Almighty. When we go to sleep, and still continue to take in one lifesaving breath after another, we cannot control it. Only the Almighty. Even with our many inventions/discoveries/accomplishments, we cannot take one step or even think one thought without the permission of the Most High.
So, back to this body issue. Are we not intelligent enough to know that the things we are doing to our bodies are detrimental? No, because there’s more than enough readily available information about the toxicity of the things we put in our bodies. Are we not insightful enough to know that the many physical problems we experience are the result of our own doing? No, again. Many of us know that our lifestyles bring about bad results. Yet and still, we don’t care. There is an insidious sense of apathy that lives among us. For the most part, we’re just lazy. We want to relax, eat good, party hard, and constantly indulge our every whim. Sure, we’ll respect a borrowed car or dress, because it doesn’t take much effort to do so. We know that, sooner or later, we’ll be back to our own belongings and able to do with them what we please. Our bodies, however, take much more effort. In order to care of them like we should, we have to exercise, eat healthy foods, and avoid unhealthy substances. And who wants to do that in this land of total indulgence? It’s great to have fun and relax, but at what point will we realize that we’re killing ourselves and disrespecting the Creator in the process? Just something to think about.
Copyright© 2009
On Accepting Change
Have you ever looked back at old pictures or old diary entries from years ago, months ago, or maybe even last week and thought “What was I thinking?” It’s so crazy how fast we change and don’t even realize its happening. The only time we can realize we’ve changed is when we’re able to look back at our old selves and compare. Just like the little hash marks my father used to make on the doorframe to show how much I’d grown, I never felt any taller, but the marks kept getting higher. And it is this constant yet elusive quality of change that makes life the challenge that it is. If things were always the same, sooner or later you’d master it, like that predictable first level on all video games. You add change into the picture and mastery seems to become an unattainable goal, because you don’t know what’s coming, you’re still trying to recover from what just came and you’re anxiety about the whole things in through the roof. Yep, that sounds like a pretty accurate description of life to me.So what do you do about it? Well, there are a couple options: You could have a carefree, live-by-the-seat-of-your-pants lifestyle, just living off this great land, marveling at everything and expecting nothing. You could convince yourself that you are in control by meticulously planning out every detail in your life (and then have a nervous breakdown when life calmly places a big monkey wrench in your plans) or you could simply make your intentions, do what you can, and let Allah do the rest.
That last option, though I think it is best, is so much easier said than done. As much as I tell myself that I find comfort in knowing the Most High is in control, I still get attitudes and have little tantrums when things don’t go my way ( but His). One of the hardest things is trying to out think He who created thinking, He who created you from sounding clay and most definitely knows you better than you know yourself, He who makes it possible for even the smallest thought to enter your head. There’s no beating Him, no matter how hard we (I) try.
As self absorbed, and so-called independent as we are, accepting our relative insignificance and realizing out lack of control is next to impossible for many. It’s even blasphemous to some. (We’ll just define blasphemy as saying or doing something considered disrespectful to the American Way.) Many of us interpret “the pursuit of life, liberty and happiness” as ” being our own miniature gods.” We should interpret it as “giving God control so we can achieve life, liberty and happiness.” Who knows better for me (and all of us) than the All Knowing? So who am I to to try to take the reigns and change the divine path?
Copyright© 2009
What is Love? Part 2: Respect
What is Love? Part 2: Respect
By: Rasheed Ali
In any marriage, the woman should feel like the queen and the man should feel like the king. Mutual respect is a huge part of creating that feeling. Respect in a marital relationship is more than just avoiding offense statements and behaviors. It is continually being aware of and recognizing their various needs.
THE NEEDS OF MEN
Confide Only in Your Husband
A man has a need to be the sole confidant of the household. He needs to feel like the king of the house. One way to do this is to confide in him. He should be the one to know your secrets and insecurities, not your girlfriend, or your mother, or your friend at Pilates class. This may seem counter intuitive to women, because men are generally less verbal and not as good at sharing feelings, but that doesn’t change the fact that we need to feel like we know you better than anyone else. Go to your girlfriends for the more trivial matters (what happened on your favorite show last night, the new hijab you bought in chestnut brown, etc.) but let your husband know that you’re interested in going back to school, or that you’re scared that you may not be as good of a parent as you would like to be. Tell him when you feel like the intimacy in your relationship is waning. These things may be tough for a man to discuss, but it is much easier when we’ve heard it from you rather than through the grapevine. (Imagine the look on your husband’s face if he had to hear from your mother that things weren’t going right in his own home). It would be extremely embarrassing and he’d feel disrespected.
Keeping your secrets between you and your husband will benefit you as well, because you don’t have to worry about getting any input that will not support your household. Your friends most likely mean well, but they don’t live in your house. Don’t let them make your decisions. Following the advice of outsiders who may not have a clear understanding or who may not take your husband into consideration will surely lead to trouble. Go to your husband first. You already know that he wants to protect and support the household, regardless of his actions. So, allow him to give you input to your heart. This will also encourage him to express his emotions with you. This is his version of Sensual Fidelity, which is discussed later.
Would you wear makeup and your finest clothes to meet your husband’s mother? I’m sure of it. You would also do the same if you were meeting the president or czar of a country, perhaps even for a job interview. You would wear your favorite earrings, powder your face, pick the best hijab, be on your best manners, be extremely pleasant and cheerful. I’m also sure that you would not do this for the attendant at the drive through at McDonalds. Now, the father of your children, the immediate path to Jennah, the man whom you love, cherish and admire, do you present yourself to your husband like the McDonalds attendant or like the President of the Free World? Many women feel that since they see him all the time, that they don’t need to look their best everyday. Plus, it takes a lot of work to look your best everyday. It’s easier to just save if for those special occasions, but is your husband not special? In order to be treated like a princess you must act like a princess. This is very important to your husband, because visual stimulation is very important to men, in the same way that emotional stimulation is important to you. Make yourself beautiful inside by manners and outside by clothing.
THE NEEDS OF WOMEN
Emotional Fidelity
Emotional fidelity is the hardest part of respect for men to understand, for the sheer fact that we as men do not fully understand our emotions. When we are upset, happy, or in between, which tends to usually be the extent of our emotional range, we should first, second, and third talk to our wives about expressing or consoling these feelings. This is even tougher on men that are emotionally conscious, meaning they can identify more than two emotions, because they’ve probably already gotten in the habit of sharing their feelings with many women. This must stop. Women find security, respect, and admiration in being the sole resource for their husbands’ emotional expression. The reason I say men must go to their wives first, second and third is because men and women don’t always connect when it comes to sharing feelings. Because of the difference in their natures-men are more concise and direct; women are more expressive and detailed-a man may think he’s being perfectly clear, while the woman may still feel confused and under informed. It may take many tries for you to express yourself in a way that she can understand and relate to. Don’t be discouraged. Be persistent in sharing your feelings. You will be better for it, and there is mercy in it. Know that your relationship will flourish because of it.
Sensual Fidelity
Simply put, to be sensually faithful is to guard yourself from all forms of sensual stimulation that don’t come from your wife. Of course this would include sex, but it also includes such acts as going to strip clubs, reading “men’s” magazines, watching sexually suggestive television shows, and being around other women excessively. Sometimes just talking or exchanging compliments can veer off onto the side of trouble. This is not to say that you shouldn’t appreciate or converse with mahram women, but do make sure that your confidence and feelings of appreciation do not specifically come from women other than your wife. This can be hard for men to do at times because of the many distractions that appeal to our desire to be appreciated and feel significant.. Allah made us this way, so we shouldn’t be ashamed; but we should guard our senses against those things that aren’t lawful for us. Guard your sensual energy for your wives, and always be receptive to theirs. This is best for you and eliminate a lot of trouble in your marriage.
Involve your Wife in Decisions
Some men assume that being the leader of the house means ruling with an “iron fist” and treating their wives more like children than their respected partners. This is not the Islamic way. We are made as coverings for one another. We must work together to find solutions to Allah’s (swt) challenges. You cannot do this without consulting with your wife first before making big decisions. Even with smaller ones, play the team effort; learn what it takes to make a team: input, education, compromise, sharing, and communication. In order to share decisions simply say, “What do you think?”. It’s not a hard concept. Embrace the opportunity to learn and hear what she has to say. Finally, when making a decision, use the opinion of the person who is more passionate or more experienced. If that does not work, use the opinion of who has most to lose. This is the simplest way to agree. Even if your opinions are too divergent to come to any type of agreement in the moment, always show respect by acknowledging her point and giving her the time to fully express herself. Women don’t always have to get their way, but they do always have to feel acknowledged. Also, for men, it is better to give in to her opinion than to sit in disagreement. Use this as an opportunity to serve Allah(swt) through your family. If you do not make decisions together, you will fail together. A failure to prepare is preparation to fail. Make decisions together.
Let Her make her own Decisions
Big decisions that affect the marriage or family should be made by the two of you, but there are other decisions that she should be able to make on her own. You must let her do this. When you desired to marry your wife, you loved the fact that she was strong and made good choices. You believed that she deserved the joy of independence and you wanted to have that in your life as a companion. No? If this is not you, then PLEASE pay extra attention, because you must realize that the decisions of life are not for you to make but for you both to agree upon. She must feel that she can make important decisions without your approval. This is vital to her need for significance and respect. You would not desire to be dictated to and nor would she. You are the last say when she is in doubt. You make sure decisions are halal, but she also has the right to decide her life choices, especially in matters concerning her joy and pursuit of happiness. Let her be free to fulfill her happiness and struggles for the sake of Allah(swt). Do not limit her for any reason. If you err on when to decide or when to step back, then be in the mind that your intention is not to oppress, but to give freedom for the will of Allah (Swt). Oppression is one of the greatest sins.
Do Not Barter for your Wishes
Many people barter their feelings with their spouse. I’ll clean the garage if we go to the Monster Derby. I’ll cook dinner if we watch 27 Dresses. I’ll give you a massage if you let me hang out with my friends. This is division in the realest sense. Once you stop volunteering, then you are no longer serving each other. This will lead to neither of you feeling fulfilled. Allah (swt) put in us the need to serve each other, and if you do not serve each other, then you will not fulfill the needs or your spouse. The first step is to say, “I will cook dinner, and I would like to watch Xmen, if you don’t mind.” Then move a little further and say,” I will cook dinner, but I would like to know you appreciate it.” Then finally, “I will cook dinner,” just to serve the family without any compensation, but at this stage you should already feel appreciated for the things you do. That is another section, but the key is not to barter to get your appreciation. Bartering is detrimental to your relationship and Iman.
NEEDS OF MEN AND WOMEN
Censor Your Tongue
It’s always best not to say anything if it isn’t positive or productive. Never use your spouses name in vain. Be kind and caring, and keep your thoughts of your spouse holy. Because we are all imperfect, it is normal to have unpleasant thoughts about your spouse sometimes, but quickly wipe them from your mind and pray that you recognize the beautiful traits that you did not before. Much of the struggle is forcing you heart, nerve, and body to serve your turn long after they are gone. Your spouse is the biggest source and receiver of sadaqa that you will ever have next to Allah (swt). Be aware of that, and don’t tarnish their name or say ill things to/about them. You wouldn’t say negative things, yell, or insult Allah (swt) or any of the Prophets (Saw) so put your spouse near this respect. Do not speak illy to or of your spouse. Make them feel exceptional like a king or queen that you would never bring bad language or inappropriate feelings to. Couples who consistently refrain from expressing their negative thoughts are consistently the happiest, and tend to have less negative thoughts. Every time you feel the desire to express or think a negative thought about your spouse, realize that you are wrong. Correct the thought with understanding love or just endure the frustration. You will receive blessings for this. Then speak positively about something you appreciate concerning them.
Converse Over Argue
“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. He who answers before listening — that is his folly and his shame,” (romanceinmarriage.org). The previous quote beautifully illustrates the importance of controlling you temper. Communication, communication, communication: This is the only way to live. A wonderful and wise woman told me a very important lesson that I still think of to this very day, a lesson so true that just by looking at your spouses face you will be reminded how precious thier feelings and thoughts are. She said, “You have two ears and one mouth, so we listen more than we talk.” She was 5 years old. It’s true! Listen without interrupting. Listen actively and attentively, even if you heard it a thousand times and you disagree with the statement completely. Listen, there are barakahs in just listening. At the end, you may tell them they were long winded, or you can just choose to agree.
Below is a helpful excerpt from the website romanceinmarriage.org
• Ask your mate’s opinion, listening attentively and respectfully without interrupting. Everyone wants to be heard out.
• As you listen, try to understand how your mate is feeling and reasoning. It is probable that you are both part right, part wrong, and there is something you can learn by listening. Try to see your ideas, and those of your mate that differ in a larger context. Step back and try to look at the differing ideas as objectively as you can. There may be a third position (that neither of you have expressed nor thought of) that can satisfy both of you. Also, ask yourself if there is some emotional need your mate has that is not being met, and is therefore contributing to the problem.
• Try to accurately, fairly, and kindly repeat some points of your mate’s side to show that you understand, or at least want to understand, what is being said. Everyone wants to be understood.
• Verbally empathize with your mate’s feelings and ideas. Be honest and kind. Such phrases as “I know this is very important to you” can help. Everyone wants to be taken seriously, and to have their ideas and feelings valued. Your aim is to create good will between the two of you, so that you can eventually come together, rather than pushing apart. Be quick to apologize and take responsibility for your mistakes, large and small, intentional or not.
• Ask your mate if you can share your own feelings on the subject, and then do it calmly and kindly. Don’t attack your mate’s ideas, try to make them seem foolish, or even necessarily say that they are wrong or that you disagree with them. Your aim is to try to explain your views without causing your mate to become defensive. A person who feels defensive will not be open to reason.
• Don’t exaggerate, speak harshly, or use inflammatory words or phrases. Try to be fair, respectful, and humble. Your mate will then find it easier to give your ideas fair consideration.
• Be patient. Give it time. Over the next few hours, days, or months, your mate may think back on the discussion that the two of you have had. If your ideas have been reasonable and kindly presented, your mate may even come closer to your way of thinking. Sometimes it takes time and calm reflection to understand and accept new ideas.
• Overcome any pride or insecurities in yourself that may be making you afraid to come to an agreement with your mate. Feelings of independence and superiority may be hard to overcome. True romance, however, requires unity of mind as well as of heart, and will provide rich rewards to those who are able to overcome whatever hinders that unity.
• If either of you becomes angry or upset, postpone the discussion until you have both calmed down.
QUESTIONS TO STIMULATE CONVERSATION
Some questions you can ask your husband to improve upon are:
- Are you emotionally faithful to me?
- Are you sensually faithful to me?
- Are you involving me in important decisions?
- Do you let me make my own decisions?
- Do you barter with my emotions?
- Do you censor your tongue?
- Do we converse instead of argue?
Some questions you can ask your wife to improve upon are:
- Do you confide in only me?
- Do you make me feel exceptional in the way you carry yourself and your manners?
- Do you censor your tongue?
- Do we converse instead of argue?
